We asked Chip Kelly, noted football coach and amateur script doctor, to rewrite six movie classics. HIs response follows.
Goldfinger, 1964
Actual ending: Bond kills Oddjob with high voltage, defuses bomb, saves gold in Fort Knox.
Chip Kelly rewrites: Bond shoots middle finger at Oddjob, runs to bomb, slides counter forward to detonate, rides radioactive steam jet buffeting the impact between him and explosion through roof the roof of Fort Knox. Shoots into passenger seat of Cessna flown by Pussy Galore, makes love to her and completes mutual satisfaction in fewer than four plays and 57 seconds. Lands plane, rents fleet of dump trucks. They drive while making love and driving to the drainage ditch where molten gold is flowing from the melted stores at Fort Knox. Bond catches the gold, dumps Pussy Galore, and lives by himself on his private rich man island called Poondollar-On-Biscayne in Miami. He eats lobster naked all the time. FADE OUT.
The Dark Knight, 2008
Actual ending: Batman takes the blame for Harvey Dent's death, and flees to save Dent's reputation.
Chip Kelly rewrite: Just Batman beating the shit out of the Joker for two hours, including thirty minutes of testicle kicking. It ends when the Joker finally dies, and Batman realized he's let Rachel Dawes die. He walks to the warehouse where the fire rages and through the flames. She's unharmed and sitting in a chair, but still sort of on fire
She says. "What took you so long?"
He says--wait for it, this is awesome--"I had some joker to take care of."
She says, "I bet he was wild."
And he says:
"Not as wild as me, baby."
Then they have the hard sexes.
Taken, 2008
Actual ending: Liam Neeson shoots the evil Saudi prince who has purchased his daughter.
Chip Kelly rewrite: Liam Neeson shoots the evil Saudi prince who has purchased his daughter for thirty minutes straight.
There Will Be Blood, 2007
Actual Ending: Daniel Plainview murders Eli with a bowling pin, says "I'm finished."
Chip Kelly rewrite: My version's shorter. The title is changed to "There's Blood," and Daniel Plainview's name is Painview, because that's what you see when he's around. No waiting in my version. Some hobo asks him for money and he beats him to death with a bowling pin. Oil workers stop working and demand more money, and he says "I'll show you a strike!" and beats them all to death with the bowling pin.
He makes hard love to the bowling pin one night. He and the bowling pin have ten bowling pin children. You know they are his children because they're bowling pins with mustaches. Some preacher asks him for cash, and he's like "SPARE me, pal!" and beats him to death with a bowling pin. He and the bowling pins go to Las Vegas for their 21st birthday and all win a lot of money at the blackjack table with a special cameo by RICH BROOKS, playing the part here I've written for him. He's THE CASHMASTER, and he ends the film when they're all sitting there at the tables by toasting the screen and saying "He's finished."
We then turn on a shot of Daniel Painview winning like five hundred grand on a double down, smiling, and smashing the camera with his bowling pin.
Million Dollar Baby, 2004
Actual Ending: Clint Eastwood euthanizes Hillary Swank's paralyzed boxer in the hospital.
Chip Kelly rewrite: Clint knows what's going to happen so he chokes her in the first thirty seconds of the film. Then he and Morgan Freeman go have a nice lunch at a place doing trivia. They win all the gift certificates and bar tabs and don't share them with anyone. FIN.
Hard Ticket To Hawaii, 1987
Chip Kelly rewrite: Nothing changing anything here is foolish and pointless.
7 recs | 72 comments
Hey, y'all remember...
this?
My, but that feels like such a long time ago. And more delightfully ludicrous than anything Fearless Leader wrote above.
She Blinded Me With Violence - November 2, 2010
From the comments of the above...
LOL. That is all.
Bourbon_Meyer - November 3, 2010
Please recall that the ass-kicking nitro Oregon attack that everyone’s busy fellating right now got mercilessly pillow-smothered about 11 months ago by boring ol’ Senator Tressel and the supposedly glacially slow Suckeyes. Please hold your LOLs.
still ill - November 3, 2010
Congratulations on last year’s performance.
HoodRiverDuck - November 3, 2010
Defensive much?
Didnt mention Oregon anywhere. Just pointing out the “LEAVE BRITNAY ALONE!” type comment.
And if we’re going to go in reverse let me p….nah nevermind.
Bourbon_Meyer - November 3, 2010
LEAVE BRITNAY ALONE!
still ill - November 3, 2010
Blount doesn't fumble in the endzone
Oregon wins that game, sorry.
HeyitsHoag - November 3, 2010
"SPOILER ALERTS GAHHHHHHHH!"
-The Internet
Torgo's Executive Powder - November 2, 2010
At this point
I think every death of every character in every TV show or movie should be re-dubbed with Imogen Heap. It’s necessary.
Andy Hutchins - November 2, 2010
Chip Kelly must have watched "Return of the Quack" before making these re-writes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_P1PPy7FTo
SECWasteManagement - November 2, 2010
Point Break
Actual ending: F-B-I Agent Utah eventually meets up with Bodhi on Bells Beach in Australia during a record breaking storm. Utah manages to cuff himself to Bodhi, but he relents and lets Bodhi ride the wave which will end his life. Agent Utah walks away and flings his badge into the ocean.
Chip Kelly rewrite: Add one scene. Right after Utah throws his badge, a zombified Agent Pappas (Gary Busey) springs from the ocean and drags a screaming and horrified Utah into the surf. As Utah’s dismembered body sinks to the seafloor, Pappas gnaws hungrily on one of the legs formerly attached to Utah. It is bare and bloody, save for a partially shredded pair of Ohio State boxer briefs.
Run Home Jack - November 2, 2010
What?
No hard sexes?
cowcollege - November 2, 2010
Too much Rose Bowl vengeance.
And Chip’s not big on Lori Petty. Not meaty enough for his taste.
Run Home Jack - November 2, 2010
Oddly enough
At the Rose Bowl this year I saw an Ohio State fan with a custom “J. Utah” jersey
jcolomy - November 2, 2010
The Nike bounce
“The O is the new U”…
Really? What, in incarcerations, foul behavior, collective ego? It can’ be in regard to anything else like success on the field — national championships, big bowl wins (i.e., one Rose Bowl win in a century, and it was generations ago), etc.
Imagine what the U would have been with the hundreds of millions of backing from Uncle Phil and Nike.
Argaman2010 - November 3, 2010
Actually I'm pretty sure
Chip Kelly would change nothing about Taken. Do we know for sure that he didn’t write the first draft of that movie?
Gator Cub - November 2, 2010
We know for sure....
…because there was that one 5-minute stretch where nobody got their limbs snapped or shot in the face
Spartan D - November 2, 2010
I don't know
I think the 20 minute preface to VIOLENCE DEATH OH THE HUMANITY falls pretty much in line with Oregon’s habit of giving its opponents just the slightest bit of hope before flipping the KILL switch.
Gator Cub - November 2, 2010
I am guessing here...
but I bet Chip Kelly would change the music to the scene from Hard Ticket to Hawaii
that shit’s bad even by ’80s standards
WahEgul - November 2, 2010
Can't hear it.
Headset’s on.
Spencer Hall - November 2, 2010
Dude has 2 missiles left in his bazooka....
….a good action hero never leaves a bullet in the chamber.
And his theme music sucks- every good hero’s got to have theme music
Spartan D - November 2, 2010
May I suggest?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vPGKrey4q2c
Tracer Bullet - November 2, 2010
I'm Gonna Git U Sucka...
….is one of my favorite movies of all time. I’m glad someone else has seen it
Spartan D - November 2, 2010
Sir, you speak of a triumph of American Cinema.
I even liked the “Hammer, Slammer & Slade” sitcom.
Tracer Bullet - November 2, 2010
Never saw that...
….and now I’m geeked to go find it!
Spartan D - November 2, 2010
Shit, man
I got that bitch on the dee-vee-dee.
jonfmorse - November 2, 2010
While not up to I’m Gonna Git You, Sucka standards, I love Black Dynamite
jcolomy - November 2, 2010
Hard Sexes
An excellent combination of Hard Knocks and Real Sex. Chip would host, peppering current and former college football greats with humorous and vaguely condescending questions about the hard sexing they’ve done.
Joey C. - November 2, 2010
The Hulk Re-write:
Scenes 1-40:
YOU’RE MAKING CHIP KELLY ANGRY, YOU WON’T LIKE CHIP WHEN HE’S ANGRY!
CHIP KELLY SMASH!
M. Fletcher - November 2, 2010
Lord of the Rings
Actual trilogy: Nearly twelve hours of a hobbit and his team of do-gooders trying to defeat the evil menace.
Chip Kelly re-write: Bilbo Baggins (played by Darron Thomas) executes a perfect ballfake to Frodo (LaMichael James). Peter Jackson’s cameraman, juked out of his brain like everyone else watching the movie, remains focused on Bilbo, assuming he still holds The One ring. Meanwhile, Frodo has broken into the secondary and runs to the end zone of Mordor untouched. Extended version runtime: 13 seconds.
HoodRiverDuck - November 2, 2010
Love it.
+1
IFChris - November 2, 2010
Dawg
HE PUT THE TEAM ON HIS BACK
commodore_dude - November 2, 2010
Makes me laugh EVERY TIME.
zzgator - November 2, 2010
UH OH, DARREN SHAWPAH
Anything but Gatorade - November 2, 2010
Can we get that guy
To replace Pam Ward?
commodore_dude - November 2, 2010
Let's go inside the mind of a Greg Jennings... *brrrrrrroooooop*
Easy rec
auburn932 - November 2, 2010
One does not simply
run into the end zone of Mordor untouched
Linoleum Knife - November 2, 2010
One does if one is carrying the One Ring to Rule Them All
Only the victory will be enjoyed by the minor players, the children of the Shire, and like Frodo, the victory takes it out of you, and you get to go in a ship to the Havens (Bellotti sitting in ESPN headquarters announcing, Dennis Dixon in the NFL with a Superbowl Ring already somehow seems appropos of that).
Wait, I hope that doesn’t mean Kelly leaves for the NFL or other pastures…eeeeeeek…hyperventilate…breathe, breathe…dialling 911…
gamedaytribe - November 2, 2010
TIME OUT! TIME OUT!
TOO MUCH RUNNING! CRAMPS!
Ancient Chinese Secret - November 2, 2010
Ahem
Linoleum Knife - November 2, 2010
Apocolypse Now
—cuts everything except:
1. Kurtz: ‘The Horror, the Horror’
2. The huge napalm strike.
3. Recasts himself as Kurtz.
Sasquatch Love - November 2, 2010
Chip Kelly asks us not to look ahead past Goldfinger
as that’s our national writing championship. And looking ahead never won anybody the day. And why the hell aren’t you giving him your best effort in practice?
Good to see the legend of his Chippiness growing. We’ve been trying to keep him a well-guarded secret for the past 4 years.
gamedaytribe - November 2, 2010
So Chip Kelly is secretly Michael Bay?
It all makes sense now.
Tracer Bullet - November 2, 2010
Or is Michael Bay secretly Chip Kelly?
MInd? BLOWN.
Tracer Bullet - November 2, 2010
-
Joey C. - November 2, 2010
Close...
But it needs to be shot like this…
/michaelbayisaonetrickpony
boddagettaflyer - November 2, 2010
What a hack.
Kelly totally ripped off Die Hard with a Vengeance!
hailstate - November 2, 2010
Star Wars - Return of the Jedi
Actual: Luke finds the good in Vader and together they defeat the Emperor, Han Solo blows up the Deathstar, and everyone parties on Endor with the Ewoks.
CK Rewrite: Luke turns to the Dark Side and decapitates daddy and the old pervert, blows up Endor and the Ewoks with his Deathstar, hops on the Millennium Falcon with Han and Chewy and flies to Cloud City where they all get krunk and do a Hard Sexes tag team on Leia in the slave outfit.
Bourbon Dawgwalker - November 2, 2010
Nerd Alert!
Watch “Return of the Jedi” with the director’s commentary on. Yes, you have to listen to Lucas sniff his own farts, but about 30 minutes in, a clearly intoxicated Carrie Fisher blurts out “THAT BIKINI WAS UNCOMFORTABLE” and then is silent for pretty much the rest of the movie. I assume she passed out.
Ancient Chinese Secret - November 2, 2010
Thank you
for suffering through that so I could enjoy the one redeming tidbit.
Onestatewest - November 2, 2010
Well it sure made my pants uncomfortable.
Spartan D - November 2, 2010
Ancient Chinese Secret - November 2, 2010
Required reading for ND fans?
Spartan D - November 2, 2010
Ummm…hello? Lando Calrissian blows up the Deathstar. Han Solo brings its shields down.
jcolomy - November 2, 2010
Shouldn't you be a Georgia Tech fan?
GwinnettGamecock - November 3, 2010
Chinatown
60 minutes of Monte Kiffin as Evelyn Mulwray
MK: She’s my daughter
[slap]
MK: She’s my sister
[slap slap]
MK: She’s my daughter
[slap slap slap]…
Linoleum Knife - November 2, 2010
Johnny wipes the floor with little b.....
hahaha
SSFDballer - November 2, 2010
Dawn of the Dead
Actual ending: Only survivors flee mall for parts unknown after their hedonistic consumerism killed their friends and taught them a valuable, albeit absurd, lesson about America.
Chip Kelly Remake: Take out all that metaphorical bullshit, make everyone run really fast and shoot a bunch of fuckers in the face. Also, can we get a killdozer/deathcar?
Wait… this sounds very familiar.
Chekhov's Spread Gun Option - November 2, 2010
Rudy
SCREAMING for a Kelly remake.
Jack Fact - November 2, 2010 via mobile
Rudy wins the Heisman four straight times
Rudy writes whatsisname, the priest guy, and tells him he’s going to be on the Notre Dame football team, so get with the acceptance. Rudy lives in the field house so he can have easier access to the weights, and leads the Irish to four back-to-back national championships. A permanent guard of Notre Dame players is appointed to carry him on their shoulders at all times.
Golden Hand - November 2, 2010
Rudy's Domers lose in his final game to Oregon 79-0
Rudy gets an inspirational carry on one play in garbage time but is paralyzed for life when John Boyett and Eddie Pleasant sandwich him at the one yard line as time expires to preserve the shutout.
GustyJ - November 2, 2010
Actually, they’ve sandwiched him in the endzone. Having scored 11 previous touchdowns, the 2 points from the safety make for the aforementioned 79-0 scoreline.
jcolomy - November 2, 2010
Gone With The Wind
Rhett Butler meets Scarlett O’Hara and learns of her crush on Ashley Wilkes. He takes Wilkes on a one-way buggy ride, comes back and hard sexes Scarlett until she rips down the window curtains to make thong bikinis. He gets insanely rich as a smuggler until the Yankees besiege Atlanta, then joins Hood’s army, pimp slaps Hood for not having any balls, defeats Sherman and goes on to win the Civil War before personally declaring the end of slavery and installing himself as President of the Awesome States of America and appointing Mammy as CEO. The movie ends as a shirtless Rhett surveys an adoring mob from the White House balcony, and Scarlett gushes, “Tomorrow is another day…for you to be AWESOME!”
Golden Hand - November 2, 2010
Jurrassic Park
The same, except that all the dinosaurs have lasers attached to their heads and machine guns for arms.
Grant rips the head off of the t-rex and uses its laser to hunt down and melt every last dinosaur on the island for an hour and a half.
The helicopter flies off into the sunset, and in the background, the island is nuked and the helicopter starts rocking back and forth from Grant and Ellie having hard, hard sexes.
Yarmarkt - November 2, 2010
I'm confused
OK, I admit I was drinking absinthe and chewing on salvia divinorum leaves throughout the entire movie, but isn’t your Jurassic Park rewrite exactly like the original?
Ardbeg - November 2, 2010
Well...
the whole nuking the island thing did happen in the book
Bourbon Dawgwalker - November 3, 2010
Casablanca
Current ending: Rick kills the Nazi, Ilsa and Victor escape, Rick and the policeman enjoy the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Chip Kelly ending: Rick makes the hard sexes on Ilsa for the first 2 minutes of the movie, she forgets about Victor, who is captured by the Nazis. Rick swims out into the Mediterranean with a Woodman’s Pal machete in his teeth, boards a U-Boat, hacks its crew to death, pilots the U-Boat to Marseilles, liberates France in 2 hours, drives a V12 Dusenberg to Germany, kills Hitler with his hands. Sam plays “Mighty Oregon” on the Stratocaster he just invented. The End. Total run time including credits: 17 minutes.
Cubehead - November 2, 2010
The Best Part of that Hard Ticket to Hawaii clip
Is when they shoot the blow up doll with the bazooka. The threat had to be eliminated.
SpartanGator - November 2, 2010
American Psycho
original version: I have no clue
CK version: Opening scene of the movie – guy tells everyone he won the lottery and he wants to give everyone he knows/wants to murder $1,000 eacg. Everyone shows up to the big party, he locks them all in one big room that happens to have three mal-nourished tigers in it.
Fin.
Your Favorite Team's Favorite Team - November 2, 2010
Chip Kelly is a guru
Chip Kelly is pure class and has taken the right approach with this team since day one, here’s is a source of his inspiration.. http://waterthebamboo.com/blog/press/oregon-ducks-ranked-1
ckorducksfan - November 2, 2010
Passion of the Christ
Original: blasphemy!
Chip Kelly rewrite: Using the no huddle offense, Jesus converts with ridiculous speed more followers than his enemies can thwart. Jesus is not captured and begins to mobilize his troops. Soon, his people are strong enough to challenge the Roman Empire, which he does. Before Rome’s legions can be mobilized the Christians have scored a victory every minute until it becomes clear Rome is going to fall. Even with that knowledge in hand, Jesus stays in the battle to run up the casualty count late into the war.
Movie ends with Jesus being chronicled by a famous historian of antiquity, while he complains about Romans faking injuries to slow down his army’s inevitable absolute victory.
BoyceBlan - November 2, 2010
Showgirls
Original: Meandering mess of bad acting and non-titilating nudity.
Chip Kelly rewrite: Recasts himself in the role played by Kyle MacLachlan. Instead of scoring a mere two showgirls in two and one half hours,, he flashes his whimsical but inscrutable cards around Vegas and proceeds to score 60 of them in 60 minutes—as graphically as humanly possible because that is how he rolls.
Halfway through, he pops off to Erin Andrews, who is asking stupid questions about his performance with a cameraman in his way. “What Am I Doing? What AM I DOING?!? WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE I AM DOING??? I’M WINNING THE MOTHERF***KING DAY!!!”
Canard - November 3, 2010
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